Today was one of those days when I wondered what on earth I did wrong? I am aware that that question doesn’t lead to a quality answer, but I couldn’t think of a better one at that moment. You see, today my kids broke me and then tore my heart out and stomped on it (….that’s my version anyway). After having spent the last six and a half years prioritising them, making sure they get the most amazing upbringing I can possibly give them, they treat me like this? I quit my job shortly after having kids and started my own business. I did this because I wanted to be there every single day, and having it any other way made no sense to me. I couldn’t bare the thought of raising my kids after a corporate schedule. I should be able to do it all.. surely? Most of the time I yes, I do, but today I cracked. Today I wanted to walk away and never come back. How could my mind convince me that this was the best option available? The only way to stay sane is to walk away? Really? The pressure of raising tiny humans! I cannot believe these little terrorists are the same people who woke me up to my greater purpose, who made me question things and seek a different life…The same little people who cracked me wide open and made me realise I was willing to risk my life for them. These little souls whom I have admired for their wisdom, compassion and understanding…are they still in there? Yes… of course they are… I just couldn’t see it because my vision was blurred by anger.
We didn’t make it to Theas school today, I didn’t want to put my monster self behind the wheels of a car… My kids were upset for a short moment (not because of missing school, but because of the way I was behaving) then they kept playing like nothing had happened. That’s the beauty of being a kid, never taking anything too seriously, and nothing personally either. Not even mum threatening to move out…FOR GOOD!
“I live in a madhouse created my a tiny army I created myself”
There I was “locked” into my own house like a real life Cinderella, while my mean kids terrorised me by ignorance and (… wait for it…)… laughter!! Why don’t they understand me?? Why can’t they be embarrassed and apologise for their shithouse behaviour and maybe try and make it up to me?? And where the hell is my fairy godmother when I need her? Well, as it turns out, I have two on speed dial… thankfully! But I needed some alone time to tame my inner monster this time. Is it really that hard for kids to help out just a tiny bit? I try to encourage them to take responsibility for themselves and to be independent, compassionate, kind, curious, courageous and adventurous.. but I seems I have failed miserably despite all my efforts. I have created a couple of lazy kids who know NOTHING and who can’t take care of themselves!… Fan-bloody-tastic!! They win, I give up… maybe tomorrow will be better? I am a very passionate person and when something pisses me off I get a bit feisty. Sooooo I spent the afternoon editing photos to try to calm down, and making sure they knew how shit they had made me feel. They didn’t get it, but you probably already guessed that. So what lesson did this bring? Well… that I was the only one who suffered (again…) and I was the one who caused it (again…). We cannot control what we cannot control, we can only really control ourselves. I know this, yet I let my pain driven ego run over what I know is true! Only for a short while thankfully. I feel better now but I will leave you a little bit of wisdom (and hope) from my favourite childrens’ author Astrid Lindgren..
“Give them love, love, love and more love and the common sense will come by itself”.
I sure as hell hope so! (I know it will and I know I haven’t failed).
To my kids…. I AM SO SORRY…. I made this for you, because I needed the reminder myself. This mamma is just a little bit tired of trying to do it all, all the time. Thank you for being so understanding and for trying to cheer me up by showering me with love everyday. I am truly blessed to share this adventure with you, this adventure called life. Now turn the sound on.. this is for you.
I love you.